Hello world.
Monthly update time. I'm 20 now. 20. That age that I never wanted to be. I just sort of figured that I could skip over it and become some other age. Like 21. Not 22. 22 would suck too.
So anyway, this birthday was pretty awesome on the birthday scale. My friends actually threw something for me. That's never ever happened before in my life, and I have to say, it was one of the best feelings in the world. We went out to Trattoria and went back to Ash's house for some delicious cake. The presents... wow. The presents. Everyone spent way too much money.
I don't really feel that I deserve any of it. I really don't. It's sort of hard to accept that others would do anything remotely close to what they did. It's hard for me to accept sometimes that I have the great friends that I do. It's puzzling to me. I get this aching feeling in my chest because I feel like I can never ever be that person that deserves this stuff.
I'm really listless right now. Don't know why. I sort of don't feel like writing in here, but I do. I can't really explain it.
Lots of thoughts recently. Lots and lots and lots and lots of thoughts swirling around. Don't even know how to classify them. They're just like empty thought bubbles. They're blank, but they're there. Waiting for someone to fill them in.
I don't feel like dealing with much right now. Dunno like feeling anything right now. Unsure where the melancholic feelings are coming from. Maybe it's the rain out right now. It's been pouring all day.
I was also not feeling well last night. Migraine. I had to go home. That made me feel awful. Sometimes I get this crawling feeling that if I'm not there at any time, my friends are going to forget completely about me, and I'll lose them forever. That's how insecure I am. I'm terrified of everyone leaving me alone with my thoughts. I was pretty upset that Jon had to drive me home. He's done too much for me as of recent, and it makes me feel awful. I can't seem to make it up to him.
Am I just bound to be a disappointment? Do I disappoint people? Ugh. I have too many expectations for myself.
I need help with my self-image. Srsly. It's weird right now. I feel like nobody will ever be attracted to me. Ugh. Hrm.
Am I really as beastly as I think that I look in the mirror? I mean, I know that I have some good qualities. But still... I just wish that I could be beautiful.
I wish that someone would be able to show me how to be beautiful.
