"So let go, let go,
Just get in, oh, it's so amazing here.
It's all right, because there's beauty in the breakdown."
- Frou Frou "Let Go"
2005 has happened.
What happened to 2004?
I guess I missed it.
I've been on a DVD binge, constantly playing one movie after another, after another. The one that has stuck so clearly and vividly in my mind is Garden State. It was such a beautiful movie on so many levels, that it touched my heartstrings.
Lost in Translation was largely a disappointment for me. I was expecting absolute magic to occur due to the Best Screenplay Oscar going to Sophia Coppola. Eh. Scarlett Johansen was absolutely gorgeous, and Bill Murray acted stupendously, but something was lacking. I couldn't tell what. I didn't connect emotionally with the movie as much as I had expected to. Perhaps it was largely due to the overwhelming fact that I thought they had a father/daughter relationship going on?
Life marches on, and on... and nothing ever really seems to change. Sometimes I feel, does anyone know me? Does anyone besides me know the true Christine, and what I'm made of? What would my friends and boyfriend think of me if they knew the real me? Is there even a real me, or just a bunch of fake mes that compose a "real" me?
Ghost in the Shell got me thinking about humanity on the whole. Don't give me flak for an anime movie. Most of the haters of anime have probably never even seen one. The philosophical undertones of this particular one were astronomical. I mean, if ever the world invents cyborgs that are capable of knowledge of themselves, of love, of existence, then are they not human as well? Are they not the creator?
I once knew a guy online through RPing that said that if they made robots in the future, he would be one of the first to have his brain transplanted into one. He said that he didn't care if he lost his humanity, that the technological gain alone would be worth it.
My question to him, is, would you even realize the technological gain if you were a robot? Would you have feeling, emotions? Would you retain your identity, or would you just be circuits and nuts and bolts?
I'm in this weird mood. I don't listen to music anymore. It's strange. And I don't care about punk, or anything. Like, big deal. I just listen to what I please. So what if I have Destiney's Child dled on my computer? Is some police patrol going to come break into my house and kill me? Have I no cred anymore? I don't care.
People are too obsessed with pidgeon-holing themselves these days. Honestly. Even the ones who are "rebelling" against the system. You're just another stereotype.
I have to admit, that stereotype is a much better alternative to the fake plastic girls that inhabit this world. That would rather tan than actually think about the world. But is it really much better, conforming to another ideal?
I'm not passionate about anything anymore. I feel like Large in Garden State, frozen to everything that happens around me. I want to be loud, scream my lungs out, cry, pull my hair. I want to have the most intense feelings.
That's being human.
So, I make a New Year's Resolution: I will be who I want to be. I will not listen to any of you. I will listen to myself. I will hate those who find me annoying, or irritable. I refuse to be superficial. I will not listen to you whine about your problems anymore, because even though I nod and sympathize, I don't give a fuck.
That's right. Happy, little cheerful "Stine," always willing to hear your sob story. Yet do you even have time for mine? Do you? Does anyone listen to me anymore? I'm in isolation, I swear. I hate the fake sympathy. I feel like eight grade all over again, alone in a sea of nothingness, surrounded by falseness.
Do I even have friends? I'm not sure. I try too hard. I try too often. I'm too nice. I'm constantly stepped on. I hate it when you tell me to calm down, to not get so worked up. FRIG you. I want to get worked up, I want my emotions. If you can't take it, that's your issue, not mine.
Happy 2005.
