I had an entry planned out for yesterday...
It was going to be a Top 10 List of my favorite things in the entire world. But AOL kicked me off, and I never got around to finishing it. And since I'm the lazy person that I am, I don't feel like posting it on here just right now.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, about this diary, actually. And how I really just follow the crowd. I read other diaries, and I see that one's all dark and depressing and angsty. And I think to myself, maybe I should be that way too! I'll write a "hate-the-world" entry too! Or there are the cheery, happy, hyper entries. Or the deep, introspective ones. Sometimes I don't even know myself.
Do I just do things to please other people? To make myself seem worthy of this other praise. It's a trait that I hate so much in other people, when people care too much about what other people think. But I find myself, ironically, just like them. I'm such a hypocrite. I constantly go out of my way to make people feel good, to make people feel comfortable. If I'm at a party, I talk to everyone. Every single person in the room, at least once. I never sit down. Just constantly flitting from one group to another, talking to everyone, trying to include everyone in conversation. In doing this, am I just leaving myself out?
Am I just an actress, hell-bent on wooing whoever comes in contact with me? I want people to like me, hell, to love me. To fill up the void inside of me, the dislike I have for myself. But maybe I just make them turn away, just make them hate me even more than they already do.
There are times that I can be so cold and callous, unmoved by people's feelings. And I think to myself, what's wrong with me? Why my lack of emotion? This is not all the time, but there are those times... that I just feel as if I'm not human. Some robotic creature merely sent to observe the human race from an objective view, and never take part in everyday life.
Maybe I'm just blind...
